Mike'd Up: Bold Super Bowl Predictions and Steroid Drama in Miami
By Michael Kelley '14 & Mick Kowaleski '14
Published: Friday, February 1, 2013
Updated: Friday, February 1, 2013 00:02
Super Bowl XLVII, aka the HarBrowl, will pit the San Francisco 49ers against the Ray Lewis led Baltimore Ravens. Some predictions are in order.
Prediction #1: Ray Lewis’ final “Squirrel” dance features Beyonce. In fact, she announces that she’s releasing a new dance/house single called “The Squirrel.”
Prediction #2: He leads all players in tackles, possibly due to the fact that he’s more machine than man at this point.
Prediction #3: Ravens safety Bernard Pollard, having run out of Patriots players to maim, confusedly obliterates the American flag during the national anthem. It’s later revealed that he’s been trained in a Pavlov’s dog-esque set of conditions to attack the colors red, white, and blue. Talking heads debate until August.
Prediction #4: Beyonce’s halftime show will be the greatest of all time. No jokes here.
Prediction #5: 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick scores two rushing touchdowns and kisses both of his biceps. Or smells his armpit. Not quite sure what he’s going for there.
Prediction #6: I’d pick the 49ers under normal circumstances, but Joe Flacco declared himself the best quarterback in the league during the offseason. Eli Manning said he was elite last year and won a Super Bowl. I’ll take Baltimore 31-27 over San Fran, and I’m going to tell the press that I’m the best QB of all time. You’ll see me in Disney World next year.
Prediction #1: The Harbaugh brothers lose sight of the situation and brawl during pre-game warm-ups. Their dad, Jack, runs onto the field to break it up, effectively recreating a moment from their childhood.
Prediction #2: From the time of opening kickoff to the final whistle, Ray Lewis will grow a pair of deer antlers.
Prediction #3: Manti Te’o kisses Lennay Kekua on the kiss cam during the two-minute warning.
Prediction #4: Roger Goodell enters a New Orleans restaurant hungry for gumbo only to get denied service and finds his picture in the middle of a dart board.
Prediction #5: Alex Smith blindsides Colin Kaepernick in the head with a two-by-four the night before the game and weasels his way into the starting lineup.
Prediction #6: All roads seem to point to the Ravens as the team of destiny this season, but a 49ers squad that boasts a strong defense and an explosive offense overcomes another early deficit to win their sixth Super Bowl title by the score of 21-17.
A Miami anti-aging clinic reportedly dispensed performance-enhancing drugs to MLB sluggers Alex Rodriguez, Melky Cabrera, Nelson Cruz, and Gio Gonzalez.
Kowaleski: Sweet baby Jesus, I can see the light.
Anybody who knows anything about me knows that despite being a Yankees fan, I’m ambivalent at best about A-Rod. Downright hostile at worst. I don’t like rooting for the guy; he chokes, he’s a prima donna, he makes headlines for the wrong reasons, and he’s being sorely overpaid (even by Yankee standards) without a lot of production. In other words, I don’t feel like he is a true Yankee.
So when the news broke that he may have taken PEDs in addition to his steroid use from 2001-03, I was actually happy. The Yankees are reportedly looking for ways to void A-Rod’s contract, which is worth $114 million over the next five years. It’s the best course of action—it frees up cap space, maybe restructures A-Rod’s deal more fitting to someone who can’t hit in the postseason, and best of all, means that I don’t have to root for him anymore.
Kelley: It’s sad I brushed over this story when it first broke, but these athlete related drug stories have seemingly become a weekly feature for any news outlet. They’re sickening, but unfortunately commonplace in the world of sports.