Mike'd Up: Bold Super Bowl Predictions and Steroid Drama in Miami

Super Bowl XLVII, aka the HarBrowl, will pit the San Francisco 49ers against the Ray Lewis led Baltimore Ravens. Some predictions are in order. 

Kowaleski: 

Prediction #1: Ray Lewis’ final “Squirrel” dance features Beyonce. In fact, she announces that she’s releasing a new dance/house single called “The Squirrel.”

Prediction #2: He leads all players in tackles, possibly due to the fact that he’s more machine than man at this point.

Prediction #3: Ravens safety Bernard Pollard, having run out of Patriots players to maim, confusedly obliterates the American flag during the national anthem. It’s later revealed that he’s been trained in a Pavlov’s dog-esque set of conditions to attack the colors red, white, and blue. Talking heads debate until August.

Prediction #4: Beyonce’s halftime show will be the greatest of all time. No jokes here.

Prediction #5: 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick scores two rushing touchdowns and kisses both of his biceps. Or smells his armpit. Not quite sure what he’s going for there.

Prediction #6: I’d pick the 49ers under normal circumstances, but Joe Flacco declared himself the best quarterback in the league during the offseason. Eli Manning said he was elite last year and won a Super Bowl. I’ll take Baltimore 31-27 over San Fran, and I’m going to tell the press that I’m the best QB of all time. You’ll see me in Disney World next year.

Kelley: 

Prediction #1: The Harbaugh brothers lose sight of the situation and brawl during pre-game warm-ups. Their dad, Jack, runs onto the field to break it up, effectively recreating a moment from their childhood. 

Prediction #2: From the time of opening kickoff to the final whistle, Ray Lewis will grow a pair of deer antlers. 

Prediction #3: Manti Te’o kisses Lennay Kekua on the kiss cam during the two-minute warning. 

Prediction #4: Roger Goodell enters a New Orleans restaurant hungry for gumbo only to get denied service and finds his picture in the middle of a dart board. 

Prediction #5: Alex Smith blindsides Colin Kaepernick in the head with a two-by-four the night before the game and weasels his way into the starting lineup. 

Prediction #6: All roads seem to point to the Ravens as the team of destiny this season, but a 49ers squad that boasts a strong defense and an explosive offense overcomes another early deficit to win their sixth Super Bowl title by the score of 21-17. 

A Miami  anti-aging clinic reportedly dispensed performance-enhancing drugs to MLB sluggers Alex Rodriguez, Melky Cabrera, Nelson Cruz, and Gio Gonzalez.

Kowaleski: Sweet baby Jesus, I can see the light. 

Anybody who knows anything about me knows that despite being a Yankees fan, I’m ambivalent at best about A-Rod. Downright hostile at worst. I don’t like rooting for the guy; he chokes, he’s a prima donna, he makes headlines for the wrong reasons, and he’s being sorely overpaid (even by Yankee standards) without a lot of production. In other words, I don’t feel like he is a true Yankee.

So when the news broke that he may have taken PEDs in addition to his steroid use from 2001-03, I was actually happy. The Yankees are reportedly looking for ways to void A-Rod’s contract, which is worth $114 million over the next five years. It’s the best course of action—it frees up cap space, maybe restructures A-Rod’s deal more fitting to someone who can’t hit in the postseason, and best of all, means that I don’t have to root for him anymore.

Kelley: It’s sad I brushed over this story when it first broke, but these athlete related drug stories have seemingly become a weekly feature for any news outlet. They’re sickening, but unfortunately commonplace in the world of sports.